not quite ready

I came to the conclusion the other night I am not quite ready to try for a second baby quite yet. Jude woke up from a weird dream around 11pm the other night and I jumped up to comfort him. It is the only time I am excited he wakes up in the night. When he makes up that shortly after falling asleep, he is so sleepy that if I go in there he is a little cuddle bug and I can comfort him and pat his little head and watch him sleep for a minute before I step out of the room. Sleeping children look like little angels. So innocent. It always reminds me of how much he needs me and liz and how much he relies on us. The screaming mama as he falls asleep is because he loves us so much he does not want to be apart. Not because he is trying to make me crazy angry, but because he would prefer to keep us around always.

It just hit me in that moment. I am not ready. I am not ready to be pregnant. I am not ready to spend the next 9 months feeling nauseous and exhausted.  Then the next 6 months struggling with a newborn and a toddler and just trying to get by.  We have had a rough couple of years and everything right now is soooo good. I want to just live in this moment with my family of 3 before we are on to the next big thing.

I still think we are going to be a family of 4 but right now, I want to soak up my only 1 kid time. To try to truly enjoy every minute of my time with my son and wife and how very happy we are right now.

I am working on two major thing right now. Patience and living in the moment. Both of those things are super hard for me as a go go go onto the next big thing kind of girl. But, both are important for me and I am proud of myself for being able to pull back right now and say, "this is where I want to be for now. Right here with my loves."

I feel a little guilty, but overall, relieved.  Liz is totally on board and thinks we reconsider in 6 months how we feel and go from there. She is the best and when I was upset and told her I wanted to wait, I asked her if she was disappointed and she said, "no baby. This is something we should both want right now if we are going to do it and when the time is right, we will both know it and do it."  What a sweetheart:). Then, she promptly started planning a vacation. So I think we are to grab some of our besties and try to go on a mini vacation. Because where can you live in the moment better than at the beach with the people you love?
S